Hi, Allie. It’s almost five A.M. on a Sunday morning and you’re asleep in bed next to me. Your hair is a beautiful turquoise mess and whenever I reach over to try and brush it out of your face, you stir a little, like you’re aware of the fact that I’m sitting here awake when I should be sleeping even though you’re unconscious. Just in case you are aware, I promise I won’t stay up much longer. In a little while, I’ll put away my laptop and settle in with you like I did before you fell asleep. I’ll pull you into my arms and hold you while you dream. I’ll feel your heartbeat under my palm and fall asleep to the sound of your breathing. But for now, I’m going to write.
I’ve been trying to think of what to write here all day and I haven’t been able to make up my mind — especially because we’ve been talking about breaking up and making up a lot these past couple of days, and I don’t think it would make much sense to rehash everything here. What I can say is that losing you was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, even more difficult than losing Luke, because I knew you were out there breathing, and crying, and living without me. I hated knowing that there was a part of your life I missed, so I asked you to help me put this musical timeline together, not only to give us both further insight as to what we were feeling while we were apart, but to give us something to look back on if/when we feel lost in the future.
To that end, I’d like to address this last part to you, Future Us. You might be reading this a day from now, or a week from now, or a month from now, or six months from now, or a year from now, or ten years from now (if this site is even still online in ten years) — but I will always be here, at five A.M. on a Sunday morning, and I will always love the girl sleeping next to me. No matter how dark our skies become, or how hopeless things get, remember how we felt on these nights, when we could be open without fighting, when we could talk about past mistakes without getting angry or being mean. Remember being this young and this happy and make it so you never have to artificially piece together fragments of your histories again. Share. Breathe. Cry. Live. Love. Stay.
i once made a promise to you that, no matter how far away from me you traveled, i would always bring you back to me. i stood before you and several perfect strangers in a white dress that was easily considered too inappropriate for the formality of the event, and i promised that i would never get so lost that i couldn't find my way back to you. with every promise that i have made and somehow broken, somehow mismanaged to the point of failure, those are two that i have kept.
i have had more than enough time to piece together the moments of our relationship, from the best and the worst to those that exist in the in-between, to pinpoint the exact moment that i fell in love with you and pick apart the instant that i assumed that you fell out of love with me. some piece of my heart, one of the best, one that remained intact against all odds, recognized something in your heart the day that i met you. it was never like discovering someone i had never met; it was always like becoming reacquainted with someone i had lost along the way, someone i had loved for as long as i could remember, someone who had existed in every second of my life in some capacity. "i fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly and then all at once," and every quote or lyric or poem that had ever been written about that mysterious four-letter word suddenly made sense to me.
i love you for one million different reasons, some of which i have yet to discover and most of which i already know. i love that you have been my best friend since the first night we spoke, the night i insisted we be friends and you complied without a single second of hesitation. i love that every thought i share with you, no matter how inane, is one that you value as if it is something worth treasuring. i love that you have the uncanny ability to send me into fits of laughter when i feel like the only thing worth doing is crying. i love that you are better at making playlists than i am and that your taste in music consistently rivals mine. i love the way you look at me as if i hold every dream you've ever had in the palms of my hands. i love you, morde, and i have loved you for longer than seems logical. i will love you even after i have taken my last breath, more every second that i know you. nothing will ever be strong enough to tear us apart or shake us at our core. we know that to be true, but i want you to hear me promise it to you. no matter what happens, no matter what obstacles (insurmountable though they may seem) that life throws at us, i will always and forever be yours. i will always and forever be exactly where you left me, easily found, completely and irrevocably in love with you. if you ever forget that, come back to me, and i will remind you. there is no universal truth stronger than the love that i feel for you, the love that we have for one another, and i believe that now more than i ever have. we have a forever within our numbered days, and i intend to spend every last second of it with you.